maya's (l)inklings

“ In fact, Gerstel and Sarkisian argue in their new book, Nuclear Family Values, Extended Family Lives, that it’s actually married people who have become increasingly isolated within the last generation, because they perceive their relationship with their partner to be the only one that matters. Gerstel and Sarkisian write that these “greedy” marriages have resulted in a “short-circuiting of community ties” within contemporary society. “Some people view marriage as the pillar of the community,” says Sarkisian. “But the way that society views marriage is detrimental to both singles and the married,” because we emphasize the value of the marital bond above all others.

— Janelle Nanos on the growing number of people who are single by choice.

Ross Douthat sells sex and young people way too short

Ross Douthat apparently can’t imagine premarital sex that doesn’t fall into a strict dichotomy of good, moral sex between monogamous couples who are on the road to marriage or bad, immoral sex that’s “casual and promiscuous.” So my friends and I created a list of other kinds for him.

Sex that starts off casual and then becomes monogamous because people fall in love
Sex between friends that turns out to be a mistake but one that needed to be made
Sex that helps a young man learn about female orgasm
Sex that inspires you
Sex that gives you the confidence and knowledge and self-awareness to be a really good person and sexual partner in your later long-term monogamous relationships
Sex between friends who are lonely
Sex that creates physical connection to other human beings, instead of artificial connection via SMS
Sex that helps you get over really being hurt by someone
Sex that assures you of what you don’t ultimately want in a sexual partner
Sex that teaches you how to come
Sex that teaches you how to make someone else come
Sex that is scary and awkward because it is your first time
Sex that is monogamous but not premarital because you are not eligible to marry under U.S. law
Sex with someone you can kinda imagine marrying someday but probably won’t because you’re only 16 and have some shit to do first
Sex with an ex because sometimes nostalgia and familiarity are all you need
Sex you probably wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t been so drunk (lesson learned)
Sex you were sure would become marital until you broke up after many years together
Sex that helps you explore your orientation and identity
Sex that staves off the boredom
Sex that makes you realize your body isn’t as disgusting as you thought it was
Sex that is monogamous but you are quite sure will never, ever become marital
Sex with someone you’ve loved for years that only happens once but once is enough
Sex as protest against Ross Douthat

Read the rest at Feministing.

Word, little lady. “I care if I do something that’s special.” [Via]

“ By any realistic measure, the Gores had a successful marriage—an accomplishment no one would deny them if one of them had died in a terrible accident last month. But because they are both still alive, and still determined to live in the best way for them, even if that way is “apart,” their marriage is deemed a failure. That’s too bad. Because letting go can be an act of love, too. And perhaps if we had a cultural narrative about marriage—or any kind of partnership—that also honored the relationships which end in letting go in life, the love stories that are journeys with destinations other than death, perhaps we would be less inclined to view two people taking steps in different directions, after some time together, as failures, and instead view them as people who know how to do love right.

— Melissa McEwan on Al and Tipper Gore’s separation.

Doing The Math…

Percentage of Americans who believe sex before marriage is morally wrong: 38%

Percentage of Americans who have sex before marriage: 95%

So either many of us don’t care all that much about our morals, or are hypocrites, or are riddled with deep shame. Hmm, that sounds about right. (via Feministe)

Screw happiness

I loved Rebecca Traister’s take-down of our cultural obsession with “happiness” and the often contradictory prescriptions for how to achieve it. A taste:

Here is what I have deduced so far both from my experiences and from the hissed warnings of those who propel me toward their idea of happiness and simultaneously warn me it will never really be attainable: There will be peaks — falling in love, seeing new places, enjoying whatever form a family takes, drinking a beer on a warm night, seeing a baseball team win a long coveted pennant. And there will be valleys — divorces and illnesses, joblessness and money trouble, watching those you love in pain, a ninth inning playoff loss. In those valleys, I’m not sure that it’s happiness we first strive for, but rather the power to not get stuck, to move toward just slightly higher ground. A spot within view of a peak will often do just as nicely as a seat atop it.

Beyonce! Love.